Today was one of those days. I felt the weight of all of my tasks falling down on me. I had cleaned and organized for days, only to look around and have nothing to show for it.
I worked hard.
I’m tired of working hard for what seems has no reward.
My children weren’t particularly bad, but it just felt like every single one needed me at that exact moment. About ready to burst, I found myself breathless. I was feeling physical symptoms.
Doing what any Supermom would do I carried on trying to be strong. Eventually finding myself in a quiet room nursing my precious baby asking myself, “What am I doing?” Why in the world did I have all of these kids? Why did I choose this life?
You aren’t good enough. You can’t succeed. You are a failure. Your butt does look fat in those jeans. In fact, you are ugly.
Do you hear these same voices in your head? How about this one?
“You are the only one in the world that struggles with “that.”
“We wouldn’t want people to think that about you.”
These, my friends, are lies. Lies that the enemy tells us to convince us that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, or pretty enough.
I remember the day very well that I made the switch from being a working mom to a full time stay at home mom. I couldn’t believe it; I was so excited to have days home with my kids. My husband and I prayed for this for what seemed forever. The first few weeks were amazing. I absolutely loved it. My husband loved it. My son loved it. My son was so happy that I could finally do school with him all day.
I would like to tell you that the honeymoon period never ended but that would be a lie. I began to feel worthless. All I did every day all day was clean up messes, do laundry, change children, cook, clean up some more, and do school. It was just a continuous cycle, and I found myself becoming very discontent.
I have a love-love relationship with food. I wouldn’t say I am gourmet or even adventurous with my food choices. But I do have comfort foods; lots of them! I eat when I’m happy, stressed, sad, and bored. I derive much happiness from food. Is this you? Read on my friend.
The last several months, I’ve been on a weight loss journey. My health odyssey of sorts. Coming up against my food problem has been difficult. No, downright hard. A few weeks into my journey life happened and stressful days ensued I wanted nothing more than to get myself a Mocha Moolatte plop down on the couch and watch some Biggest Loser. It’s true.
I love to fail. There I said it. I am a full blown pessimist. The glass is most definitely half empty. In fact the desire in me to fail is so strong, so oppressive that it is almost palpable.
For several months I have been on a weight loss journey. During that time, I have learned a lot about myself. One of the most poignant lessons I have learned is that success scares me. Not just the jump out of the closest scare either. We are talking Night of the Living Dead, Freddy Kreuger, and that weird clown from Poltergeist all rolled into one.