For years I have held to a conviction to allow the Lord plan my family. Currently, we have a one-year-old and by this time I historically would be expecting our next child.
I need, to be honest, I’m in a battle with the Lord right now. For many reasons, I believe that I want to be done with childbearing.
Life is chaotic.
I’m growing weary of having infants.
I’m ready to focus on having older children and doing fun things that sometimes you can’t do with littles.
I want to enjoy “retirement” someday.
I want to have time left with just hubby and me to enjoy “single” life.
As of late I’ve been noticing a pattern in my life. I am a control freak. I never saw myself as such. I like to think of myself as pretty laid back.
Recently, I went away on a retreat where I had time just to sit and relax. This relaxation in and of itself was hard for me. While, I have no problem sitting still, even then my mind is working. I’m usually listening to or thinking through something. On my retreat, It was next to impossible for me to shut off all of the voices and just sit and talk to the Lord with no timetables or todos.
In the day to day of life, there are a lot of demands on me. Whether it be my husband, children, house, or outside commitments. It’s hard to settle in and find room for rest. What I realize about myself is that I’m afraid to sit still and hear from the Lord. I’m comfortable in the “busy” of life.
Can you relate?