There is an adage, “You never see a hearse pulling a U-Haul.” Recently my husband and I were in Los Angeles. He had work to do so I thought I would go and spend some much needed quiet time away from the din of the homestead.
In some of the down time, we had an opportunity to go exploring in the city. We walked around Hollywood enamored by some of the stars represented there on Hollywood Boulevard. We went down to the Venice canals and walked around looking at homes that seemed to come right out of the pages of a magazine.
About 5 minutes after my son had left for work I get a phone call from him. In the world of texting getting an honest to goodness phone call from your 17 year old usually means something bad has happened. Mother’s intuition was right once again. He was indeed in a car accident. Thankfully no one was injured, but our poor van was in pretty rough shape.
Amongst all of the phone tag with insurance companies and scrambling to find us a rental car to fit our large family, I started to have fear creep into my heart and mind it sounded something like this. “You know the van is probably totaled, and you totally can’t afford to buy a new car right now. What are you going to do? How are you going to survive? This weekend is such a crazy weekend. Why this weekend? Why not another time because you know there are definitely better times to have accidents. How is this all going to work out? This was not in your plans for this weekend.”
The day before my son’s graduation I completely lost my voice. I couldn’t believe it. Considering I was supposed to speak at his graduation which made it all the worse. However as I looked to the Lord, it turned out to be quite the blessing. When you start surrendering and praying for growth the Lord can get pretty creative with his teaching methods.
Nervous and emotional at the prospect of speaking in front of a crowd of children and parents, the Lord was teaching me to rely solely on his strength to get through. In the end, I survived and people were able to hear me albeit with the aid of electronics.
As of late I’ve been noticing a pattern in my life. I am a control freak. I never saw myself as such. I like to think of myself as pretty laid back.
Recently, I went away on a retreat where I had time just to sit and relax. This relaxation in and of itself was hard for me. While, I have no problem sitting still, even then my mind is working. I’m usually listening to or thinking through something. On my retreat, It was next to impossible for me to shut off all of the voices and just sit and talk to the Lord with no timetables or todos.
In the day to day of life, there are a lot of demands on me. Whether it be my husband, children, house, or outside commitments. It’s hard to settle in and find room for rest. What I realize about myself is that I’m afraid to sit still and hear from the Lord. I’m comfortable in the “busy” of life.
Can you relate?
You aren’t good enough. You can’t succeed. You are a failure. Your butt does look fat in those jeans. In fact, you are ugly.
Do you hear these same voices in your head? How about this one?
“You are the only one in the world that struggles with “that.”
“We wouldn’t want people to think that about you.”
These, my friends, are lies. Lies that the enemy tells us to convince us that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, or pretty enough.
I remember the day very well that I made the switch from being a working mom to a full time stay at home mom. I couldn’t believe it; I was so excited to have days home with my kids. My husband and I prayed for this for what seemed forever. The first few weeks were amazing. I absolutely loved it. My husband loved it. My son loved it. My son was so happy that I could finally do school with him all day.
I would like to tell you that the honeymoon period never ended but that would be a lie. I began to feel worthless. All I did every day all day was clean up messes, do laundry, change children, cook, clean up some more, and do school. It was just a continuous cycle, and I found myself becoming very discontent.